Some are overly detailed minute-by-minute recaps—who are these written for, by the way? I feel like anyone who wants to know that level of detail is just going to, you know, watch the show.
Then, there are the recaps that offer a quick overview and opinion, which are fine, but most are placed in slideshows on sites that get bogged down by advertisements which is just a hellish experience for a mediocre piece of writing. Plus, the opinions very rarely offer any sort of context on what the person is grading on. I'd say "enjoyment", but from the tone of most of these, it doesn't seem like they're enjoying all that much. Then, there are the whiners who constantly complain about what WWE does and never offer up a superior alternative. Some of these people don't even watch regularly!
So I find myself saying (way more frequently than someone who can barely keep their shoes tied should) that if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself. Welcome to Smark Out Moment's MONDAY NIGHT RAW FIVE-POINT POSTVIEW—the new gold standard for pointless Raw recaps on the internet.
Let's take a look at the story lines the WWE is highlighting mid-way into the build for Summer Slam.
Preview Point # 1: What chaos will Brock Lesnar unleash?
What WWE Said Verbatim
Two weeks after trading punches with The Undertaker in one of the wildest fistfights the WWE Universe has ever witnessed, Brock will be live on Raw — an inevitability that no doubt has The Authority bracing for impact.Translated from WWE Marketing Speak to English, that Means?
Will Lesnar and his advocate, Paul Heyman, address the melee that had Lesnar removed from Raw in restraints? Might The Anomaly send a bold message to his SummerSlam opponent just 20 days before their WrestleMania 30 rematch? Whatever Lesnar has planned, The Deadman will surely be watching.
Brock Lesnar is going to be back on Raw for the first time since that fateful Raw two weeks ago where it took the entire locker room to separate Lesnar from The Undertaker and so is his advocate, Paul Heyman.
What are they going to do?
How This Storyline Played Out on Raw
Paul Heyman came out and did his thing. Halfway through, Brock Lesnar came out, grabbed one of the steel steps, threw it into the ring, and stood on top of it while Paul Heyman continued to do his thing.
How Well Done Do I Think This Was?
Paul Heyman knows how to sell a match and he really outdid himself with this one. Just go watch it for yourself.
Could I personally have come up with something better than this?
Preview Point # 2: Has Kevin Owens made a mistake by provoking Cesaro?
What WWE Said Verbatim
In an exclusive interview with Michael Cole on WWE.com, Kevin Owens claimed that the reason he's been targeting Cesaro in recent weeks is simple: He doesn't want The Swiss Superman to take his 'spotlight.' However, on Thursday's SmackDown, Cesaro actually pinned K.O. in the night's tag team main event, proving that Owens' underhanded sneak attacks haven't fazed the former United States Champion.Translated from WWE Marketing Speak to English, that Means?
Owens will likely seek to retaliate against Cesaro on Raw, but will the end result mirror what we saw as SmackDown went off the air — with The King of Swing triumphant?
On Wednesday, in an interview with Michael Cole, Kevin Owens said he was feuding with Cesaro because Cesaro was trying to steal Kevin Owens' thunder. On Thursday, Cesaro pinned Kevin Owens in a tag team match. How is Kevin Owens going to retaliate and is Kevin Owens' retaliation going to end with Cesaro prevailing like it did on SmackDown?
How Did This Play Out on Raw?
Miz TV had Kevin Owens and Cesaro on. Kevin Owens and Cesaro end up getting into a kerfuffle, which ends in Kevin Owens storming out.
How Well Done Do I Think This Was?
Really liked how The Miz gave a shout-out to Roddy Piper by saying how Miz TV was the second most must-see TV show in WWE history because there would be no Miz TV without Piper's Pit. Well, done Miz. The fact that you didn't come out dressed like a cross between Obi-Wan Kenobi and a nun is a nice bonus as well.
I have no idea whether Kevin Owen was being serious or not when he agreed with The Miz about not really making it until one has been on Miz TV, but either way it was awesome. Kevin Owens on commentary is my spirit animal.
Every thing about this was awesome, from Kevin Owens asserting that Cesaro was jealous of him to The Miz complaining that Cesaro came in before The Miz announced him - this is another segment you should do yourself a favor and watch. The Kevin Owens-Cesaro feud is absolutely fantastic; it's really working for me.
Could I Personally Have Come Up with a Better Storyline?
Preview Point # 3: Has Seth Rollins broken more than Cena's nose?
What WWE Said Verbatim
Showing undeniable tenacity in his United States Championship defense against Seth Rollins on Raw, The Champ fought through a broken nose to defeat The Architect via submission — a victory that was testament to Cena's "Never Give Up" mantra.Translated from WWE Marketing Speak to English, that Means?
However, in the wake of Cena's severe nasal fracture, The Champ's future remains unclear. When will we see Cena in a WWE ring again? Despite losing that incredible match, did Rollins actually defeat Cena in the long-term, putting the fighting champion on the shelf? If so, how might that inability to compete affect Cena psychologically? Stay tuned as more details on the Cenation leader's condition emerge.
JBL said it best when he called John Cena "one tough son of a bitch" after Seth Rollins broke Cena's nose during Raw and Cena finished the match (which ended in a victory for Cena via submission). So what happens next? Is Rollins still going to feud with Cena? Or is Rollins going to start a feud with someone else while Cena's recovering? And when will John Cena be back anyway?
How This Storyline Played Out on Raw
Seth Rollins announced an "Open WWE World Heavyweight Championship Title" – and THEN announced his stipulation of the opponent had to be under 6 feet tall and weigh under 200 pounds, expecting El Torrito to come out. Unfortunately for Rollins, he completely forgot that Neville also fit that criteria and Neville came out, not El Torrito. Neville hit Rollins with the Red Arrow and it looked like Neville pinned him and won the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, but then the camera pulled out and the referred pointed out Rollins' foot on the rope, while the internet lost their collective shit. Neville went for the Red Arrow again, missed, and the Rollins hit Neville with a Pedigree for the win. The WWE didn't do much with the Cena angle, other than have Rollins announce a winner-take-all Champion vs. Champion match at SummerSlam and the announcers said John Cena may or may not be back in time.
How Well Done Do I Think This Was?
This was awesome. Also, Rollins new "Never Shuts Up" he came out wearing is great. Fantastic heel.
As for the Rollins-Cena feud in general? I have my rosary beads out that Seth Rollins will spend the next few weeks talking shit, John Cena will come back to the Raw before Summer Slam to finally get his rebuttal in, Seth Rollins wins over Cena at Summer Slam and ends up holding both the WWE World Heavyweight Championship AND the U.S. Championship, thus cementing his reign as WWE World Heavyweight Champion.
Could I Personally Have Come Up with Something Better than This?
Preview Point # 4: Which tandem will challenge The Prime Time Players?
What WWE Said Verbatim
On SmackDown, The Lucha Dragons and Los Matadores defeated The New Day and The Ascension, surely bringing both of the masked teams closer to The Prime Time Players' WWE Tag Team Championships. Yet who is more deserving of an opportunity for Titus O'Neil & Darren Young's titles? That was the question after SmackDown's Eight-Man Tag Team Match, when Kalisto & Sin Cara argued with Diego & Fernando backstage during an interview with WWE.com. Hopefully, we'll get a clearer sense of the true pecking order in WWE's tag team division on Raw.Translated from WWE Marketing Speak to English, that Means?
Who's going to be the next Tag Team Championship contenders? Since The Lucha Dragons and Los Matadores defeated The New Day and The Ascension on SmackDown, so presumably either The Lucha Dragons or Los Matadores will be the next Tag Team Championship contenders.
How This Played Out on Raw
8-Man Tag Team Match between The Luchadores –I mean the Lucha Dragons and Los Matadores vs. The New Day and the Ascension. Kofi Kingston pinned Sin Cara for the win.
How Well Done Do I Think This Was?
Really WWE? Really? You teased a Luchadores match and then instead went for literally the same tag-team 8-man tag team match you had on Raw last week, except this time The New Day (and The Ascension) won instead of the Luchadores.
If next week you tease a Lucha Dragons and New Day match because that'd be the logical next match, please do us all a favor and at least do a Lucha Dragons and New Day match instead of yet another 8-man tag team match for the third week in a row.
Could I Personally Have Come Up with Something Better than This?
Seriously, Get It Together WWE
WWE Intercontinental Championship.
Put Titus O'Neill and The Miz in a program for the Intercontinental Champion title. Titus O'Neill can work a mic and they can do a whole feud along the lines of Miz being all "I'm an A-list movie star!" and Titus O'Neill being all "Yea, I'm actually like doing stuff, not just talking about my straight to Blu-Ray movies." This also has the added bonus of highlighting some awesome charity work that wrestlers do, gives a hard-worker deserving of a push a push, and it's not often you see someone as dark as Titus O'Neill with a belt around his waist and after the whole Hogan clusterf*** now is a fantastic time for that.
When Ryback comes back from his insane staph infection, you can easily throw him into the mix with a combination of "Hey, that was my title and I had to vacate it because of injury and I want it back" and "Good Guy Ryback vs. Good Guy Titus vs. The Miz." Basically, same thing as before, but swap out Titus O'Neill for Big Show. Also, while they're at it, Ryback should totally get an animatronic dinosaur for his entrance.
Then when Daniel Bryan comes back, you insert "Good Guy Bryan" into the mix the same way with "Hey, that was my title and I had to vacate it because of injury and I want it back." Plus, you need to have Daniel Bryan come out (at least once) to Europe's "The Final Countdown."
Yea, I know. You're welcome WWE.
WWE Tag Team Championship.
So I know part of the reason the Tag Team Division is such a mess is because of injuries, but a.) that's not the only reason and b.) that's no excuse. I know it makes it way harder to build compelling storylines and can make things like character development near impossible, but come on - that's what you guys are getting paid for.
The New Day as heels is awesome, no need to change that. Keep The New Day front and center. The Lucha Dragons and The Ascension were super-over in NXT and have kind of fallen flat since being moved up to the main roster. Drop them back down to NXT for now. Since I already mentioned Titus O'Neill is going to move over to an Intercontinental Champion run, that leaves Darren Young without a partner.
Insert: Zack Ryder. Yes, Zack Ryder. Stop laughing and hear me out on this one. Zack Ryder was the first to integrate social media like YouTube into his gimmick. WWE should give Zack Ryder some rope to go back to doing that type of thing, except with Darren Young as his partner. Darren Young was doing a similar gimmick in The Prime Time players and has an American football player look. Pair him up with the Ultimate Long Island Broski and watch the internet explode. Not to mention, when a self-identified bro can be a tag team partner with an openly gay black male, it'll really crystallize how far we've come - especially so soon after the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in favor of gay marriage.
However, two teams does not a Tag Team Division make, so let's add in another tag team who are over with the fans and in need of a new gimmick: Damien Sandow and Curtis Axel: The Mega Powers (in Identity Crisis). That is right - I think instead of hastily throwing together the first idea WWE Creative can think of while hung over from the weekend a few hours before Raw starts, they should embrace it and let The Mega Powers have fun with it. Have Damien Sandow and Curtis Axel try out different personas every week until they find one that sticks. The possibilities are endless: Have them come out in the same outfit one day and then decide at the last minute that one of them will wear a black mustache and be "Evil Doppleganger Version of Character." Have them come out one week in characters that make no anachronistic - like one dressed as a Spartan and one as a ninja. Seriously - the opportunities for shenanigans, hijinks, and hilarity to ensure are endless.
For bonus points, every once in awhile have The New Day pair up with Bo Dallas against Darren Young/Zack Ryder and The Mega Powers (in Identity Crisis) because Bo Dallas pairing up with The New Day is magic.
From here, bring up the other tag teams from NXT, like The Lucha Dragons and The Ascension one at a time, giving enough time to build a character set and storyline around them.
Again, you're welcome WWE.
Remember, Kids!
If one person sends a suggestion or makes a request, nobody cares. If a bunch of people send a suggestion or make a request, people start to care.
If you like the ideas, make sure to get on Twitter and to voice your support or displeasure for these ideas using the appropriate hashtag and encourage your friends to do so as well. (If you don't have a Twitter account, I'd recommend making one just for these purposes. WWE seems to like the Twitters.)
- Titus O'Neil for Intercontinental Champion: #titusforicchamp
- Titus O'Neil and The Miz feud over the Intercontinental Champsionship: #Titusvs.Miz
- Ryback Gets an Animontrianic Dinosaur upon Return: #giverybackadino
- Daniel Bryan enters to Europe's the Final Countdown at least once: #yestofinalctdwn
- Zack Ryder and Darren Young teaming up: #brosbeforehostagteam
- Damien Sandow and Curtis Axel as The Mega Powers (In Identity Crisis): #themegawho?
Preview Point # 5: Can Neville vanquish Stardust's super-villainy?
What WWE Said Verbatim
In a conflict ripped straight out of a comic book, Neville and Stardust seem to be rocketing toward an explosive collision, as WWE's most notorious face-painted fiend continues his mind games with The Man That Gravity Forgot, goading the caped wonder into becoming his "hero" and urging the WWE Universe to "embrace the strange." Stardust's dastardly antics show no sign of stopping, and it seems that Neville is the only one who can silence The Prince of Dark Matter once and for all. Will an arrow, red or otherwise, soon pierce the icy heart of this interdimensional nightmare?Translated from WWE Marketing Speak to English, that Means?
Stardust and Neville are in a feud that is leading to a Stephen Amell appearance.
How This Storyline Played Out on Raw
Stardust cut a promo tying in with Neville's match tonight and the WWE announced that Stephen Amell will appear on Raw next week.
How Well Done Do I Think This Was?
Honestly, I'm pretty ambivalent about this storyline, so I'm just going to go with "It set things up for Stephen Amell; it was fine."
Could I Personally Have Come Up with Something Better than This?
What Else Happened on Raw this Week?
Rusev defeated Mark Henry.
Enough said.
Charlotte and Becky Lynch defeated the Bella Twins (a.k.a. Divas Match # 1).
It was a good match. Not only are Charlotte and Becky Lynch amazing wrestlers, they've been bringing out the best of both Bellas as well. Since their arrival, the Bellas have consistently been hitting both more difficult moves and moves outside their normal artillery.
King Barrett defeated Zack Ryder.
Yes! That's right! Not only was there a Ryder sighting on Monday, but Barrett won a match!
Paige defeated Naomi (a.k.a. Divas Match # 2).
So as happy as I was with the last Divas match, this one really bummed me out. So in a match like this, realistically it doesn't matter who wins and so I'd rather have seen WWE Creative give it to Naomi over Paige.
Why, you ask?
1. For symmetry purposes. So, look at it this way - you now have 3 factions in the divas division.
- The Bellas: Niki Bella, Brie Bella, and Alicia Fox (with Alicia Fox being the weak link).
- B.A.D.: Sasha Banks, Naomi, and Tamina (with Tamina being the weak link).
- The Submission Sorority (ugh. Such a dumb name. I feel stupid typing it.): Becky Lynch, Charlotte, and Paige (with Paige being the weaker but compared to Alicia Fox and Tamina, not a weak link).
If you gave Naomi the win, you'd hand Paige her second loss since the NXT Divas came up, keep the balance of wins between the B.A.D. and Submission Sorority (which I almost concerned abbreviating til I realized what a bad idea that was. Seriously, WWE, wtf?) and would have leveled the playing field by elevating Naomi and making it so there's an even weak link in each team. It's not a big deal; I just find it irritating.
2. For appearance purposes. Why not further differentiate yourself from Hogan and give a win to a very dark-skinned, athletic diva who rarely gets to win matches? Seriously, how did no one thing of this?
3. Why the fuck not? It's not a win or loss that really matters, so why the fuck not do something different?
At least Naomi looked like she was having a ball during that match. Good for her.
Randy Orton, Dean Ambrose, and Roman Reigns defeated Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, and Sheamus.
Most importantly, Thursday, August 6 is the last day to vote for Team Sploosh there in the Smark Out Moment Sexiest WWE Superstars Tournament. With that said,
The Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, and Sheamus's Promo
So, this one started off as your normal Wyatt family promo, but then Sheamus just kind of awkwardly stepped into the shot and joined the promo to mention Orton. While my first choice, would have been to have Sheamus awkward walk-in and be all "This isn't the bathr...oh, this is where you're guys secret creepy cult room is?! What's up? What are we doing? Cutting a promo? Mind if I join in to say something about Orton," the alternative of actually setting something up where Sheamus thanks Bray Wyatt for his help in winning the Money in the Bank Briefcase or something along those lines. Like, I just wish they went one way or the other with it, not some weird, awkward middle ground.
The Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and Randy Orton Promo
No one can cut a promo honoring a recently deceased wrestling legend like Dean Ambrose. Well done, Ambrose, well done.
And unlike with Sheamus walking in to the Wyatt Family promo, Randy Orton stepping in to this promo actually worked. All Orton says is "Leave Sheamus to me" and then Ambrose responds with "Finally. He has a good attitude about something." It was perfect and tied up the loose characters ends nicely.
The Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, and Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, and Sheamus Match
Roman Reigns speared Sheamus for the win and Randy Orton hit both a DDT off the second rope and an RKO out of mother fucking nowhere. It was a pretty good match - I'd recommend watching at least a highlight clip of it.
Your JBL Making Fun of Byron Saxton Line of the Week
"Brian is about as popular as a lion hunter in Zimbabwe – I'm sorry guys." – JBL.
What do you think? Leave your comments in the comment section below. Or alternatively, if leaving your comments in the comment section is too scary for you, respond to this form here. I probably won't respond, but I'll read all of them. I really don't have anything better to do. (If form isn't visible, use this link.)
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