Welcome to WrestleMania! We're starting off with Lilian Garcia singing America the Beautiful (naturally, as all WrestleMania events start with that song). I still maintain that Jennifer Hudson needs to do it (not that I'm a fan of her, but c'mon, Otunga's a WWE wrestler, he's got the connection). Intro video sounds like some James Earl Jones ripoff doing the voiceover. I like it, but I hope we don't see 100 of these tonight.
World Heavyweight Championship: Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Sheamus
I told you all that this would go first! Yes! Yes! Yes! (Sorry, I had to). There are a TON of "yes" signs in the crowd. WOW. I just said in the chat on the side that it would be a Brogue Kick and 1-2-3 and then it happens!
WINNER (and new World Heavyweight Champion): Sheamus via pinfall
There was only one move, but haven't I been saying from the beginning of this that it would be a total squash match and be the first match of the night? Let me hear it.
Backstage, Team Johnny is hanging out together. Miz tries to pump them up but they don't listen. Otunga comes out and introduces Ace - wearing a white suit and red tie. Johnny pumps them up instead.
Here we go with an ad for next year's WrestleMania. The first of 1000 commercials. By the way, the WrestleMania set design is shit. The letters are arranged in an odd way - looks like they didn't get a leveler.
Kane vs. Randy Orton
Very bland entrances. Cole just fucked up, saying Orton was setting Kane on the ropes up for a bulldog instead of the DDT. Generic match so far, nothing to report on. Side slams and headlocks. Snooze. DDT chant before he does it. Typical blocked RKO attempt. Orton hits a dropkick on Kane when he tries his top rope clothesline. Orton sets up for the punt, but Kane hits a chokeslam on him. Two-count. Kane eventually hits a chokeslam from the second rope.
WINNER: Kane via pinfall.
Saw Kane winning coming after Sheamus won the way he did, but I had predicted Orton ahead of time as I thought this would be in a different place on the card. Boring match. These two need a stipulation to get interesting.
Backstage, Santino is with Foley and some guy on Deadliest Catch. Why are they promoting this? This segment is awful...but it makes me want to eat crab legs. Socko and Cobra are attacking the crab legs. Ron Simmons comes out to look around and say "damn!" as always.
Yay, another commercial!! That's what, 3 now?
Intercontinental Championship: Cody Rhodes (c) vs. Big Show
Cody Rhodes looks retarded with that outfit on...maybe it's the colors...or the fact that it looks like a dress. Now we're getting the promo for the match. So much wasted time already and they had a 3 second match! Big Show takes a long time getting in the ring. After that, he just tosses Rhodes around like a baby. Big Show gives Cody a stinkface. Cody's working on Big Show's legs after he takes him down. Naturally if this were a real fight, Cody would be dead by now. Cody hits a Beautiful Disaster kick. He goes for a second and isn't able to hit it. Big Show punches him with the WMD and pins him for the win.
WINNER (and new Intercontinental Champion): Big Show via pinfall.
Match went about the same quality I expected, but I was really hoping that Cody would retain here.
Now we're getting ANOTHER commercial. 4. Ridiculous. They've gone through 3 matches in 45 minutes with commercials and they're just packing more in there. No wonder why they're rushing - they apparently need more ads.
Now there's a commercial for the divas. Ugh.Why are they only showing the Bella twins, Kelly Kely, Eve, and Alicia Fox for the most part?
Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres vs. Kelly Kelly & Maria Menounos
They're doing this already?! Wow...what the fuck are they thinking? The crowd's already annoyed and bored, and they need bathroom breaks between the big matches. Terrible. Almost as terrible as what Beth is wearing. I guess Maria is wrestling despite her injuries. We'll see. I'm still hoping Kharma comes out to replace her. Nevermind, bell just rang. Maria and Kelly do a double stinkface. Why has this card consisted of stinkfaces and bad outfits and commercials? The Daniel Bryan chant returns. I really don't see why people are so fond of him, but at least it's funny that Vince backstage is going to be super pissed about those chants. Now there's a "yes" chant going. This is awful. They're having to be so extra careful with Menounos that they're basically not doing anything to her - and when you consider how badly celebrities wrestle in the first place, and how badly the average diva wrestles on top of it...ouch. I can't decipher this one chant going on, but it sounds like "match strikes Devon" and that can't be right. Kelly hits a nice flip from the top rope onto Beth, but it's not even the end of the match (unfortunately). Beth sets Kelly up for the Glam Slam and Kelly reverses into a bulldog. Maria Menounos is now climbing to the top rope. Beth hits her, picks her up for a press, but Kelly pulls her down. Maria rolls up Beth and wins the match.
WINNERS: Kelly Kelly and Maria Menounos via pinfall.
Terrible, as expected. For shame. WrestleMania, really? Couldn't have had Beth vs Natalya, right?
Note: They really need to pick up this ppv. It's tanking right now.
Backstage, Matt Striker is with Shawn Michaels, in his ref shirt. HBK basically indirectly points out that it's streak versus nothing. HHH has nothing to lose here really.
Justin Roberts gives us the "WWE has a new record" speech. 78,363. Jim Ross is coming out. I guess it's true that Taker and HHH requested him to call this match. JR's got his goatee still. Cole shakes his hand reluctantly.
Hell in a Cell: Undertaker vs. HHH
Shawn Michaels comes out and his pyro is...nonexistant? Was that just a sound of fake pyro going off and that's it? I didn't see any actual fireworks. HHH's entrance thankfully is his actual theme and not some stupid song instead of it. He has some kind of a little gazebo thing he walks out of. Stupid. Undertaker's entrance is just his normal entrance. Good entrance, as always, but I expected more. Maybe they don't have the money because they only have a dozen of commercials set for the ppv instead of 2 dozen. The fire isn't even showing up at first. They're seriously wasting time watching the cell be lowered? Who the fuck decided that that was a good idea? Good lord. They couldn't have done that during one of the commercials or promos? Slow start. Hopefully it picks up. Very slow. Very boring for what it should be, considering how the previous matches have sucked and were boring. This should have started off and gotten people excited. WrestleMania is bombing so far. HHH hits a spinebuster on Taker, slamming him on the steel steps. HHH walks right into the Hell's Gate but HHH picks him up and slams him down to get out of it. HHH pulls a steel chair out and hits Taker with it a few times. Way too slowly paced still. This is supposed to be the show-stealer and it's on par (ok, slightly above, but that's not saying much) with the previous matches. HHH continually strikes Taker with the chair. HBK tells him to just cover him and stop. HHH throws HBK away from talking to Taker. Taker keeps telling HBK not to stop the match. HHH keeps telling him to stay down. WWE I'm sure thinks this is epic right now, but it has no momentum to it like the other "stay down" moments in the past. It would have if the rest of the match building up to it was decent, but it wasn't. Trips is bleeding. He pulls out the sledgehammer. HBK pleads with Undertaker to let him ring the bell, but Undertaker says no. HHH hits Taker with the hammer in the head...Taker kicks out. Triple H gets ready to totally hammer Taker's head but HBK stops him from doing it. "You end it or I will" is being repeated ad nauseum.Taker puts the Hell's Gate on Shawn Michaels (supposedly out of confusion). HHH hits Taker with the hammer again to break it up. Taker stops a hammer attempt and puts HHH in the Hell's Gate again. Trips is basically out of it. Ha! They did the Charles Robinson run to the ring again (but not to the same awesomeness as last time). That sound familiar? WWE doing something for a second time and it not being as good? Such as the rematch between HBK and Taker, or this match and HHH vs Taker from last year? HHH kicks out of a chokeslam. Now Taker just chokeslams Charles Robinson. Sure, why not? Undertaker gets a superkick from HBK, followed by a Pedigree, but Undertaker kicks out! Michaels was going to count Undertaker out (obviously, hence the superkick). Triple H is pissed and tosses HBK out of the ring. That'll give HBK a reason to superkick HHH later. At least it's now getting interesting. Undertaker hits a tombstone. HHH kicks out. Now they're doing the "boo/yeah" chant (Undertaker is the cheer, HHH is the boo). HHH hits another Pedigree, but Taker kicks out. Undertaker sits up. Taker has a chair and he steps on the sledgehammer before HHH can get it. Chair shots to the stomach and back (WWE rules, no head shots, remember). Taker is doing what HHH did earlier, just beating him down with a chair while HBK tells him to stop. Triple H kicks out of a pinfall attempt. HHH goes for a sledgehammer strike but Taker stops it, so HHH just pushes him.HHH gives him a crotch chop, so Taker hits him with the sledgehammer. Redo of the "HHH pulls himself up with Taker's legs" thing. Undertaker hits a tombstone and covers HHH. Undertaker wins.
WINNER: Undertaker via pinfall.
I'm going to say this right now and you'll probably hate me, but I DON'T think this will be the best match of the year. I don't think this comes even close to the WrestleMania 25 match, so now this is three years in a row that aren't good enough to follow that.
HBK helps Undertaker up while HHH is still down. If they're smart they'll have Undertaker help HHH up as well. There you go. HHH is helped out of the ring by Undertaker and Shawn Michaels. Pity that this wasn't as good of a match to make it worth the moment...and that the rest of the matches before it weren't good enough to psyche the audience into being exhausted after this.
Naturally, what did you want to see after that? That's right...A COMMERCIAL!!! Is that commercial #6? Feels like #80.
Let's take a look at the Hall of Fame now too. Fink announces the class of 2012 to come out, parade around the ring like they've done before.
If you didn't know, let's remind you that WrestleMania is coming next year again in New York City, by which we mean New Jersey.
Heath Slater is backstage and being interviewed. WHY?! Flo Rida is talking to him now. Wasting more time....and Heath Slater? Heath talks about being his backup singer. Flo Rida pushes him. Hawkins and Reks come out to laugh. What was the point in that? Just to make Flo Rida look tough?
Team Johnny (The Miz, Mark Henry, Drew McIntyre, Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler, and David Otunga) vs. Team Teddy (Kofi Kingston, Great Khali, R-Truth, Zack Ryder, Booker T, and Santino Marella)
The Bella twins introduce them and do a horrible job. Vickie isn't even waving or twirling the flag. [By the way, they're advertising K-Mart and GI Joe now too during these introductions]. If they were so hell-bent on wasting time during this ppv, why didn't they give them their own entrances instead of a group entrance? Crowd is dead. Why didn't they think about this and put the divas match on now or something? It really just seems as if the crowd doesn't give two shits about this. Ziggler's scream before his elbow drop was the highlight of this match so far. Here's the finisher after finisher spot. They toss Hornswoggle. Bellas, Vickie, Aksana, everyone's horribly rolling on each other pretending to fight. Booker gets a tag on Santino. Ziggler breaks up a pinfall on Miz. Ryder gets ready for the Broski Boot and Eve gets in the ring. Ref tries to get her out, distracting Ryder. Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale on Ryder and Team Johnny wins.
WINNERS: Team Johnny via pinfall.
Match was boring and nobody was highlighted, so this served virtually no point other than to give "full control" to Laurinaitis. The match was lackluster. Not surprised about that the way this ppv has gone. It sucks that it had to have a finish similar to what you'd see on Raw, too. That wasn't a WrestleMania finish to that match. Also, it sucks from my personal perspective that Ryder had to take the pinfall instead of anyone else.
After the match, Eve kicks Ryder in the balls and leaves.
Yay...commercial for Extreme Rules.
And another commercial for WrestleMania Axxess.
Backstage, Laurinaitis talks to CM Punk. He says he doesn't want a brawl, he wants them to have a wrestling match. If CM Punk gets disqualified, he forfeits the title to Jericho.
WWE Championship: CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho
I hope for their sake they don't start off slowly. Story of this match has now become Punk attacking Jericho and at the last second having to stop to not get disqualified. Jericho keeps egging him on. Jericho gives Punk a vertical suplex from the apron onto the outside. This isn't bad so far, but it's not as good as it should be. Too slow, like the other matches. Reversals for a Walls of Jericho attempt. Jericho hits a Codebreaker, but Punk falls outside of the ring. CM Punk hits the GTS but Jericho puts his foot on the ropes. Jericho hits the Lionsault and Punk kicks out.Jericho's on the ropes and Punk goes for a hurricanrana from the top, but Jericho catches him and jumps down, putting CM Punk in the Walls of Jericho. That was definitely a good spot. Codebreaker from the springboard attempt that CM Punk did. Jericho pins him, Punk kicks out. Jericho gets out of a GTS twice in a row. Jericho escapes yet another GTS attempt and goes for ANOTHER Walls of Jericho. Punk counters into an inside cradle. Jericho reverses. Punk twists into an Anaconda Vice. Jericho goes for a pin, Punk puts the AV back on. Jericho tries for another Walls of Jericho. Punk gets the Vice back on again. Jericho taps out.
WINNER: CM Punk via submission.
Decent match, but not as good as it should have been.
A match just ended, so you know what time it is - COMMERCIAL TIME!
At least Brodus Clay is about to come out. He says we're gonna call our mommas. They cut to the crowd and someone's talking on their cell phone. Brodus pretends to call his. He says momma is there and she brought the bridge club. He introduces "Momma Clay". An old woman with a fake ass (I hope, for her sake) comes out and dances. So does a bunch of other old women. Wow. This went from a high spot to a WTF moment.
And we've got another commercial...for GI Joe. Jesus Christ, WWE.
And here's your Rock/Cena promo, again, if you haven't seen it every week for the previous year, or earlier tonight and stuff.
Puff Daddy (whatever he's calling himself right now) comes out. Did he just announce MGK and Ester Dean wrong? Wow, they sound bad...and I like this song. MGK starts talking about how Cena is an underdog, so he gets booed.
By the way, the final poll results? Out of 79 votes, 50 people expect John Cena to win. That's not a 50/50...and neither is the crowd, booing John Cena...minus the one shrieking woman who is annoying the shit out of me.
Now it's time for Flo Rida, who gets a much more intricate setup and more lively song. Was that planned? They better not get used to these musical performances at every WrestleMania from now on. It's not what we want to see. After the transvestite troll woman got done singing with the overweight guy thinking he's really tough, now we have to watch the Rock go side to side on stage like he doesn't know where to walk. Who is he, Rey Mysterio?
The Rock vs. John Cena
We start off with them locking up and Cena pushing Rock into the corner. Now Rock wins the next lockup match. Rock starts getting the upper hand and Cena leaves the ring (to lots of boos from the audience, of course). Slow match, again. Rock's selling way too early as if Cena's too much to handle. This isn't in HBK/Hogan levels, but it's clearly overestimating how epic it is. They definitely think it's a higher magnitude portion of the match than the audience is feeling at the moment. That's just what we needed for this match...a slow bear hug spot. Rock hits a spinebuster. Rock goes for the People's Elbow, but Cena flips him over and tries for an STF, even though he doesn't get it on."Same old shit" chant going on. Cena goes for an Attitude Adjustment and we have the double clothesline spot. Cena hits the AA but Rock kicks out. Rock hits the Rock Bottom and Cena kicks out. Rock's got the Sharpshooter on. Doesn't work. Cena puts the STF on Rock. Rock gets his hand up on the third drop and then reaches the ropes to break the hold. Samoan drop by the Rock. Rock Bottom, no, Attitude Adjustment, no, spinebuster setting up the People's Elbow. Are they just repeating the match from the beginning? Cena kicks out. Rock is on the top rope and hits a crossbody, but Cena rolls and catches him, then gives him an Attitude Adjustment. Rock kicks out again. Cena goes for the People's Elbow and Rock catches him, hits a Rock Bottom, and wins.
WINNER: The Rock via pinfall.
About the same match quality I expected it to be - decent, but nowhere near "the match of the year" in terms of ring skills.
HIGH SPOTS
1. The hurricanrana/Walls of Jericho spot
2. Undertaker is put over as the man, not HHH.
3. Uh............
LOW BLOWS
1. The presentation of things. Pyro was missing or bad, the musical performances were pointless and stupid, the set's got a messed up E, etc.
2. All the wasted time on commercials and other stupid shit
3. The match quality. Not one match was as good as it could or should have been.
1. The hurricanrana/Walls of Jericho spot
2. Undertaker is put over as the man, not HHH.
3. Uh............
LOW BLOWS
1. The presentation of things. Pyro was missing or bad, the musical performances were pointless and stupid, the set's got a messed up E, etc.
2. All the wasted time on commercials and other stupid shit
3. The match quality. Not one match was as good as it could or should have been.
CRITIQUE RATING SCALE: 1-COUNT KICK-OUT (Bad)
Reasoning: Even the backstage segments weren't as good as previous years. This whole ppv just reeked of bad scheduling, tired performers, and nothing but a big circle jerk of WWE producers promoting things. Really, really bad, considering how this is supposed to be the best of the year. If this is as good as we're getting in 2012, just tell the Mayans to kill off WWE already. 
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