Smark Out Moment

NXT season three has arrived, this time with only six competitors instead of eight, and all of them are divas. Here are my first impressions of this laugh riot of a season. Oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.


She's cute and she reminds me of Mickie James. It seems like they're going to push her to be either the winner or runner-up. She seemed really nervous tonight and I'm not quite sure what the end goal will be, but supposedly she's one of the better ones in the ring (and didn't get to show that tonight against Aksana), so who knows? So far, she's looking like a potential winner, but in this competition, that's not saying much.


Maryse but not as sexy, not as good on the mic, not as interesting, with less character, a thicker accent that is harder to understand, and worse in the ring. Ouch.


Jamie seemed somewhat comfortable on the mic, seeing as how she did a horrible job announcing a couple times on NXT-2. She's hot (though I've never been a fan of muscles like that on a woman, personally), but she hasn't wrestled yet, so who knows what is going on in that realm. By the way, I love how her "pros" are the Bella twins, as if they could possibly teach anybody anything. Jamie's yet to wrestle a match on NXT and she could probably still teach them instead.


Aloisa, the giant chick, gets replaced, seemingly because she needs more training (so how did the rest of these girls get through?) so instead they give us Kaitlyn. In one aspect, I like it, as Kaitlyn is hot and Aloisa, well, isn't. But Aloisa was interesting because of her height. Kaitlyn's character seems like it can't decide on heel or face but isn't willing to play the tweener card. This is the first week, though, so I'll give that the benefit of the doubt and not bash it much. Still, I want to know what the story is with this woman and if she's just some bad actress they hired or if she has the slightest bit of experience. I guess we'll see next week if she's any good in the ring.


I don't like her. I know I'm not supposed to, but I don't mean that in the "she's a heel and making me mad, grr, I hope a face beats her" way. I mean it in an "I think she's ugly, sucks on the mic, sucks in the ring, and will get a lot of focus because she's the only one that seems to be an actual character, but that character isn't entertaining, so that will suck as well" kind of way.


Naomi walks out of the first show with 2 challenge wins and a tag match win. I'm assuming she'll be the one that either beats or loses to AJ in the finals. Pretty decent in the ring. Not horrible on the mic. I could actually see her as a diva.

Ok so now that I got that stuff out of the way, let's talk about the show itself and how hilariously awful it was. Come on, admit it, you laughed and felt embarrassed for the WWE at how shitty this was. The night starts off with all of the pros (most of which can't talk on the mic to save their lives) blandly introducing their rookies. This is followed by the rookies blandly introducing themselves. Kaitlyn cuts a promo where she seems like an arrogant heel but is immediately cut down to size by Vickie Guerrero, which causes her to look like a face, so she replies by doing her promo over again (by which I mean, just repeating that she gives people wedgies - something she clearly is proud of as it received the most attention - and saying Vickie's great, and nothing else), making her seem like a heel again. Aksana speaks broken English and says some cookie-cutter bullshit about how Aksana (talking about herself in the third person) will prove herself in the "Double Double E". Someone's been drinking the Kozlov Koolaid! She talks about how she loves her dog, as if anybody cares. It all goes over like a lead balloon. The WWE doesn't seem to realize that this is the third time NXT has happened and each time someone cuts a promo where they talk about stuff like that and repeats nothing but "I work hard and I want to be a superstar and I'll be the next breakout star" that it doesn't generate any shockwaves whatsoever. Next is Maxine, who tries hard to pull off a bitchy character but doesn't succeed. The only thing she pulls off is looking like a lesbian accountant. She says she has "three senses". Most people have 5, but ok writers. These three are "business sense", "street sense", and "common sense", which means she's a triple threat. Uh...you shouldn't really be bragging about having common sense. That should be a gimme. It isn't like being able to draw or having the skill to juggle. She then reiterates (for God knows what reason or emphasis) that she's a triple threat IN A SKIRT people! That makes all the difference! Now I take her seriously...haha. AJ gets the mic and says someone needs to give Maxine a hug, cuts the generic "I've wanted this as a child" promo we've heard every face say time and time again, and nobody and nothing will stop her because she's going to be...say it with me folks...the next WWE NXT breakout star. Let's throw in a few more "smart, sexy, and powerful" phrases too while we beat that saying dead, shall we? After all, NXT is the longest running weekly episodic fake-reality wrestling program in SyFy television network Tuesday night history!! Jamie is next and says, you betcha, the same old crap. Naomi gets passed the thesaurus to see what other ways to word the same exact promos and cuts another generic one with the same bullet points.

After all of them have already stood there in line and mildly shuffled their feet to dance to the new music several times, Striker then announces that they'll have a rookie challenge and guess what it'll be? Well, it involves divas, so it must be a dance-off. Oh but the great minds that brought you the Hornswoggle court room sketch decide they need to add an extra *oomph* to this ridiculous thing, so they throw in the "lame dancer schtick" with Michael Cole, complete with red leggings. All the divas are terrible dancers as well. Naomi wins by default since she had gone first and at least did one or two dance moves while the others basically just stood still. Now I'm the first to admit that I'm a horrid dancer. Horrible. That's why I don't dance. They should follow suit.

Kelly Kelly teams up with Naomi to face Alicia Fox and Maxine in a tag match. Naomi does a good job until Maxine gets in there. Then things tumble into...well...a divas match. Naomi rolls up Maxine in a small package and then everyone goes into stupid mode. It looks like the intention was that Alicia would get there in time to stop the three-count, Kelly would then attack her, they'd do that normal shit where those two go to the outside, and then Naomi would somehow pin Maxine. However, instead, the ref counts to three right then and there and the bell rings. Kelly attacks Alicia anyway. Maxine and Naomi continue to wrestle. Naomi even goes for a pinfall and the ref has to explain that the match is already over. Ouch...

Another rookie challenge is in place. They need to sprint to these posts and capture flags and whomever doesn't get a flag is eliminated. All at once, they botch the simple instructions of "ready, set, go" that everyone is familiar with even when they're toddlers. When it's all said and done, Naomi comes out on top, again, and has to catch her breath before cutting yet another generic face promo (though not horrible) about winning it all and blah blah blah.

Goldust and Aksana face off against AJ and Primo in a mixed tag match. Goldust and Primo start off, do a handful of moves at most to each other, and pass it off to the girls. Aksana then manages to botch like crazy. She nearly paralyzes AJ when her head lands wrong. She screws up a body slam. She then lands ass-first onto AJ's face when she botches a leg drop. The two go for the finish, wherein AJ will do that move Mysterio does where he lunges himself in a ridiculous fashion and ends up with his legs wrapped around their waist, the opponent catches him, brings him up, and he bulldogs them. When these two try it, they botch it. Then they decide "fuck it, these people must have short-term memory loss, and we can't think of anything on the spot" and just repeat the entire setup and move all over again. AJ wins. Vickie comes out, wanting Kaitlyn to cut her promo for a THIRD time. AJ tells her to "go, as in, go away" (facepalm) and Vickie tells Kaitlyn to "sick her" (facepalm) which results in AJ throwing Kaitlyn into Vickie, who rolls along the ground throwing a temper tantrum like a child (facepalm).

That...ladies and gentlemen...was the first edition of a three month (you heard me) abomination known as NXT season 3. That, ladies and gentlemen, was the first introduction to pretty much the only women the WWE has on reserves for divas. That, ladies and gentlemen, was terrible.