Smark Out Moment

Three hour episodes of Raw are sort of hit or miss. When they've got a good gimmick (the Draft, King of the Ring, Raw Roulette) they tend to be cool. When they're just a series of matches with Smackdown people added, they tend to be not worth the extra hour. Tonight we saw a sort of combination of those. There was a hybrid of "good fucking lord that was stupid" along with "hey, awesome!"

The show started off with Bret and Teddy coming to the ring. Teddy looks like a GM (but one that is consistently dressed in clothes that don't fit him). Bret looks like shit, but hey, what else is new? They go over the whole concept of the fans voting and blah blah blah. Out comes Orton, who demands a match with Edge, who accepts, thinking he'll get the advantage now that Orton's shoulder is injured. The fans are given 3 options: Orton vs Edge in 1) a debate, 2) a sit-up contest, or 3) a match with Edge having one arm tied behind his back. Naturally, they choose the one they were set up for: the match.

The first match is Big Show vs. Chris Jericho. Options are 1) over the top rope challenge, 2) submission match, or 3) body slam challenge. The winning votes go to the body slam challenge, which Big Show easily wins. Show then follows it up by making Jericho submit, then throwing him over the top rope. All three choices fulfilled. Jericho gets punished for having taken that show hosting job and not telling WWE management ahead of time. Kind of pointless, kind of bland, kind of not very interesting, but not horrible. I enjoy Big Show as a face.

Who will face the Hart Dynasty? 1) The Uso Twins, 2) The Dudebusters, or 3) Khali & Hornswoggle. Ugh. As soon as they announced the choices, once again, they set it up obviously with Khali/Hornswoggle. Naturally, the match was garbage, it didn't help the Hart Dynasty in the slightest bit as the kids wouldn't cheer them beating up Hornswoggle or anything. Then the Uso twins attack the Hart Dynasty, because after all, that was the point of the segment. Terrible. Thankfully, it wasn't 100% votes for Hornswoggle/Khali, and the Usos got a sizable amount of the votes.

Jerry Lawler looks around for his crown and can't find it, so he leaves. They recap the "vegetable Undertaker" storyline. Note: Some people out there actually think Mark is dead or something. Let's all point and laugh. Bradley Cooper comes out, stating he isn't sure where his co-stars are (note: no reference to Liam Neeson as he was too big to show up in the first place lol). Cooper says the typical "I'm glad to be here" stuff, and we never see him again the rest of the episode. Backstage, the King finds Rampage and Sharlto who, in character, plan to find the crown for him. We should expect this stuff by now, with this whole guest host stuff.

Santino Marella vs. Vladimir Kozlov. The choices are 1) a match, 2) an arm wrestling competition, or 3) a dance-off. Again, it's beyond obvious that the dance-off will be picked. Santino dances, everyone laughs. Vladimir dances, oddly enough rather well for such a lumbering jackoff who can't wrestle, and wins. By this point in time, I was growing very, very tired of the "entertainment" aspect of this episode of Raw.

The divas come out and Cole manages to squeeze in the nauseating "smart, sexy, powerful" phrase in the usual "not even close to subtle" way. Battle royal wins out over a 6-on-6 or champion-vs-champion match. Tiffany, Gail, and Alicia are willing to actually go over the top rope and try some different stuff, but everyone else just does the typical "through the ropes, but botched" shit. A big section is screwed up with Eve, Layla, and Michelle, wherein you can hear Layla say so loud for Eve to try it again and such that you'd think for a second she might have a mic on her. Maryse wins.

Kane threatens Sheamus, who claims not to have attacked Taker because if he did, he'd be bragging about it. Surprise, surprise, Kane wins the viewers' choice to face Sheamus, beating out Mark Henry and Evan Bourne. Another not-so-surprising-surprise happens with Sheamus losing via count-out because Kane can't just beat him legit, right?

Savannah interviews Barrett who repeats the "winds of change" line for the third or fourth time, but I'll let it slide because the guy is really winning me over, generally. He's good enough in the ring, good enough on the stick, and has a good enough look that I think he could really be a big time player eventually. Plus, he wasn't saddled with some dorky ringname like some others in the past.

2/4 of the A-Team are backstage talking to DiBiase and Virgil, accusing them of stealing the crown. "Uncle Irwin" (IRS) comes out, claiming that King didn't properly pay all his taxes so the crown has become his property. Then, for some reason, smoke fills the area and Sharlto claims he's immune to gas, but passes out. Can I hear a resounding "enough of this unfunny comedy shit"? Still, it's cool seeing IRS.


The Miz & Zack Ryder vs. R-Truth & John Morrison. Ryder beat out Ziggler and Regal, Morrison beat out MVP and Christian. Decent match, and I was glad to see both Morrison and Ryder in it as I like both of them. I'm growing a tad tired of Christian and I've never been the biggest supporter of Regal (though both are great on the mic, I won't deny it). The Miz picks up the win after pinning Morrison with the Skull Crushing Finale.

Edge bitches about the match to Bret, but it goes nowhere. Then Kane shows up, asking Bret if he did it, threatening him. I like this thing with Kane. Hopefully it turns into a legitimate push for the guy.

Orton vs. Edge: Injury Watch 2010. Thankfully, it doesn't appear that Orton hurt himself in performing, though storyline-wise, Edge just says "fuck this one-armed shit" and attacks Orton, furthering the injury.

Backstage, John Cena puts over Evan Bourne. Thumbs up. Bourne's fun to watch and he's jobbed long enough. I'd like to see him become US champ sometime this year. Cena then tells Savannah that he's pumped up because he has a match and all that stuff. In DiBiase's locker, Sharlto wakes up to Mean Gene Okerlund (another cool point) who gives him a pep talk and says he could be better than the original, unlike "the guy they got to replace me". Josh Mathews is standing right there, and Okerlund calls him a loser. I've said it a bunch of times and I'll say it again, I really like Mathews. He's good in both his roles, he doesn't seem to have any backstage bullshit holding him back, and he seems like he's an actual wrestling fan and a company man, having even tried out for Tough Enough. If for some reason Mathews isn't the play-by-play commentator on Raw in the future and the primary commentary man of the company, I'll be shocked and disappointed.

Drew McIntyre vs. 1) Yoshi Tatsu (who gets ZERO fan response), 2) Goldust, or 3) a mystery man who just happens to do Matt Hardy's pose and looks just like Matt Hardy's shadow. The winner? You guessed it. Mystery man! And who is this mystery man? You guessed it! Matt Hardy! NO SHIT. Hardy comes out, McIntyre says he's suspended, but Teddy corrects him in saying he's suspended from Smackdown, but not Raw. Hardy then squashes McIntyre and then attacks him after he's even won the match, ripping out some hair in the process. As much as I dislike both McIntyre and Matt, I'd rather see more of this feud than to see McIntyre/Kofi continue or something. For two guys that I think are overrated both in the ring and on the mic, I don't despise this feud as much as I should.

Rampage is handcuffed in the ring with DiBiase, Virgil, and IRS. Ted says that even he has a price and was contacted to get "B.A." for a client. This client? Rowdy Roddy Piper. Major thumbs up. I liked that a lot. Piper cuts a promo about Mr. T and Sharlto comes back out with Okerlund and Dusty Rhodes. Rampage breaks loose, gives Ted a better looking spinebuster than some of the wrestlers can even do, and chokeslams Virgil. He also rips off his yellow shirt Hogan-style (which was most likely unintentional but I thought it was kind of odd, considering how Mr. T teamed up with Hogan). Dusty helps clear the ring and says...god knows what...about the A-Team movie...because hey, it's Dusty, you know how he is. Maybe something about a bicycle? I don't know.

Mathews interviews the three choices to face Cena tonight: Rey Mysterio, Jack Swagger, and CM Punk. The fans choose Cena vs. CM Punk. Basically, the match doesn't matter. If they'd have just ended it with a pinfall or something, it would have been a lackluster and boring end to the show. HOWEVER...

Out comes Wade Barrett, followed by EVERY OTHER NXT MEMBER from the first season, and they just go apeshit, for all intents and purposes. They completely destroy the ring, the security barricade, the table, the chairs, they attack the referees, Justin Roberts (who gets choked with his tie by I believe it was Slater) and other personnel alongside both Cena and the Straight Edge Society. Each of the 8 former NXT rookies are wearing arm bands with a yellow N on them and acting like total heels. Punk even comes back for more and they make short work of him, continuing with Cena. A bunch of clotheslines and several finishers later, Daniel Bryan spits in Cena's face claiming that's he's "no better than him". Frankly, the whole beat down was pretty damn cool as it was totally unexpected and I'm very interested to see where they go from here. The show ends with Cena being placed on a stretcher.

1. Giving a bit of the spotlight to some of the guys we don't see as often. Ryder, Bourne, etc.
2. The legends resurfacing.
3. Referencing back to the Mr. T vs. Piper stuff.

1. Too much "comedy", none of which made me actually laugh out loud.
2. Way too predictable outcomes of the choices.
3. The divas. Yeah, I know, it's not even necessary to point out, but still, it's fun to laugh at how bad they are.