Smark Out Moment

Everyone ready to go to hell? It's time for the WWE Hell in a Cell 2011 PPV.


Miz and R-Truth are sitting ringside. John Laurinaitis comes out to evict them from the building.

Christian vs. Sheamus
Sheamus is the power, Christian is the speed, naturally. Sheamus hits his head on the security barricade after he's pushed off the ropes by Christian. Booker's enthusiastically pointing out the obvious a lot in this match (ugh). So far, this is quite generic. Sheamus keeps pummeling Christian with those forearm beat downs. Jim Ross pulls out the "Sheamus is tougher than a two dollar steak" remark and Booker lets us know that he had that steak earlier, at Denny's (haha, you get some brownie points, Booker). Christian flips over the ropes to kick Sheamus and follows it up with a tornado DDT, then sets Sheamus up for the Kill Switch. Sheamus gets out and gives Christian a knee to the face for his efforts. Sheamus hits his shoulder block off the top rope, but misses the Brogue Kick. Christian spears Sheamus outside the ring and leaves him to be counted out. Sheamus comes back into the ring but receives a second spear. Sheamus goes for his power bomb, but Christian slips out. Sheamus then hits the Brogue Kick and pins Christian for the win.

WINNER: Sheamus via pinfall.
Smackdown main event worthy, so its ok for the opening of a ppv. Not bad...nothing special.

Backstage, Matt Striker talks to Mark Henry. Henry says it doesn't matter that he hasn't been in a Hell in a Cell match before - it doesn't matter where he faces Orton, he'll end up in the Hall of Pain no matter what.

Sin Cara vs. Sin Cara
Blue comes out first to no reaction from the crowd (at least, none that I can hear). Either the fans don't realize he's the babyface or they don't care. Black comes out to a slightly altered theme song with a Tron video that is slightly different as well - and to equally no reaction. They circle each other and keep pointing to themselves. Black puts Blue into a submission, which isn't really sold as hurting all too much. Dead crowd. Blue starts clapping to get them to, and they're ok with it for a few seconds, but go back to silence afterward. Lots of reversals, but not in the exciting way. The crowd still isn't remotely pumped. Blue launches himself over the ropes onto Black outside of the ring. He follows it up with a baseball slide. Blue tries to moonsault onto Black, but Black dodges it, letting Blue fall to the outside. The match slows down (which doesn't help motivate the crowd). Even Cole, JR, and Booker sound bored. It's not a necessarily boring match but the crowd is just destroying its potential. Now they've officially started chanting "boring" and booing. Blue jumps onto Black on the outside again (waking up a couple fans around the area). Blue goes for the C4 off the top rope maneuver, but doesn't come close to hitting it and it just turns into a half-assed arm drag of sorts. Black picks him up for a power bomb, but Blue reverses it into a sunset flip and wins the match.

WINNER: Sin Cara (blue) via pinfall.
Not exactly the exciting match I was hoping for. The fans didn't give it a chance, though. Right off the bat, they weren't cheering or booing for either guy.

Backstage, David Otunga (in a vest and bow tie) approaches CM Punk and touts his legal credentials. He offers his counsel if Punk wants it. Punk rejects it, saying he hates lawyers and has his own voice.

Tag Team Championship: Air Boom (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger
The commentators and crowd are still dozing off, so it's going to take some time and a lot of effort to wake them up. Everyone seems to forget that Dolph Ziggler is a former world champion. They made it seem like the US title is the peak he's reached so far. Jim Ross is setting up the seemingly inevitable "Ziggler and Swagger lose because they argue" ending. Bourne's playing the sacrificial lamb (no surprises there) with Ziggler and Swagger having no problems tagging back and forth, keeping Evan on their side. Naturally as I type that, Bourne gets a tag. Zig and Swag (Szwiggler? What's a good nickname for these two?) render it meaningless as they just turn the tides immediately and stay in charge. This match is definitely showcasing Zig/Swag. Meanwhile, Kofi and Bourne are just getting their asses handed to them. This is basically a squash match...which is making it quite boring...not the best idea to follow that Sin Cara crowd with a slow paced match like this where half the moves are just kicks and tags. Once Bourne gets tagged, the pace picks up (and the crowd starts making some noise). All four are in the ring, confusing the ref and commentators about who the legal men are (Bourne and Dolph). Bourne rolls Dolph up, but the ref is distracted, so Ziggler gets enough time to kick out. Ziggler helps put Bourne on the top rope - setting him up so Swagger can power bomb him from the top. Bourne reverses into a hurricanrana. Ziggler is held back by Kofi, unable to break the count, and Bourne pins Swagger for the win.

WINNERS: Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne via pinfall.
This would have been much better (and had the potential to be) if they didn't make half the match so slow and boring. Seems like this is a thread happening at this event....generic, slow, and boring.

Here we go with a trailer for Inside Out. Commercial #1.

World Heavyweight Championship [Hell in a Cell]: Mark Henry (c) vs. Randy Orton
Jim Ross lets us know that if Orton wins tonight, he'll be the only guy to win both world titles in a Hell in a Cell match. Orton repeatedly slams Henry into the cage. Later on, Henry grabs Orton and slams him about 5 times into the cage as payback. Henry hits a big power slam on Orton. He hits another, this one on the outside of the ring. Henry takes the top off the steps and drags Orton over to them. Booker incorrectly says Henry can just retain the title with a count out. Thankfully, Cole points out that that's not an option (to which Booker replies "....my bad"). Henry puts Orton up against the cage and then tosses the steps at him - but Orton dodges them. Henry picks Orton up and rams him head first into the cage. Henry splashes Orton, but Orton kicks out. Jim Ross reminds us for the sixth or seventh time that Henry did that original power slam (which he's hell bent on saying that Orton can't recover from it). Henry puts Orton in a bear hug. That's another theme of the matches tonight...one person dominates pretty much the entire match 100%, instead of switching between the two every so often. Henry goes to give Orton a World's Strongest Slam onto the bottom steps. Orton grabs onto the cage and escapes it. He then is able to DDT Henry onto the steps, then force him into the ring post twice and take control of the match.Orton keeps the offense going with a flurry of punches, a dropkick, and he's able to give Henry the off-the-ropes DDT. Orton psyches himself up and hits an RKO. Mark Henry kicks out (and Cole calls it a buzzkill lol). Since that didn't work, Orton goes to the corner and lines up for a punt. He lunges, but Henry picks him up, gives him a World's Strongest Slam, and retains the title.

WINNER: Mark Henry via pinfall.
Uneventful Hell in a Cell match basically. That's the main reason I don't like how they have 2 of them per year. If you overlook that disappointment, it wasn't too bad.

Post-match, Henry pulls a chair out, intending to screw Orton's leg up like he's done before to others. Orton slips out of the way, so Henry misses. Orton gives Henry a whack in the back with the steel chair. Henry starts to leave, so Orton runs him down with the chair and gives him a few more shots. Henry kicks Orton in the gut and retreats.

Backstage, Josh Mathews talks to Alberto Del Rio. Del Rio says he doesn't deserve to be in this match. Still, he's warning Punk and Cena, cause they'll see a side of him they didn't think exists.

Here we go with commercial #2 - this time for Light Strike - you know, the product you've seen advertised for a long time?

Out comes Cody Rhodes. He says if you refuse a paper bag, you should be euthanized, and comments that these people are ugly and it isn't Halloween yet. He then says that the Intercontinental title needs to be retired, puts it in a bag, and asks for a velvet bag. Inside is...THE OLD INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE!! The white version, by the way. It gets a bigger pop than anything that happened in the Sin Cara match. He says in honor of the old legends that wore it, he'll wear that belt, and do it with more pride and dignity than any of them. Unlike those, he'll defend the title "feverishly". Out comes John Laurinaitis. He says Triple H demanded that Laurinaitis tell Cody that he'll defend the title tonight against John Morrison!

Intercontinental Championship: Cody Rhodes (c) vs. John Morrison
Morrison starts off taking the fight to Cody, especially by hitting a baseball slide right into Cody's face. Morrison tosses Cody's shirt to the crowd. Cody tries to leave, but Morrison brings him back. Cody tries to get counted out, but Morrison breaks that up. Cody goes for the Alabama Slam but JoMo sunset flips for a two count. Cody then tries for a Figure Four (resulting in some WOOs from the crowd). Morrison fires up and hits Cody with a bunch of punches and jabs and kicks, then hits his standing C4 flip. John misses the knee, but hits a kick to Cody's head. He misses the Flying Chuck and Cody rolls Morrison up to get a pinfall victory.

WINNER: Cody Rhodes via pinfall.
Decent match. I'm disappointed Morrison didn't win there, but the old IC title being brought back more than makes up for it when you look at the overall picture.

Remember everyone, nobody likes a bully, and there's no place for bullying...unless you're in WWE where bullies like Sheamus and Orton get cheered.

Backstage, HHH is talking on his cell phone and saying that he's "had enough with him". Laurinaitis runs in to get HHH. Hunter tells him to stop making matches. They see that R-Truth and the Miz have attacked Bourne and Kofi. Zeke and Riley are there to check up on them. HHH says he told Laurinaitis to get police.

Divas Championship: Kelly Kelly (c) vs. Beth Phoenix
Beth has Natalya, Kelly has Eve, of course. You've seen this mach about 8 times in the past 2 months, so you know how things go. How long will Beth dominate? How long will Kelly spin and go "aaaaaaah" for the hurricanrana? Etc etc etc. Kelly starts off in charge, and here we go with the spinning. Beth starts dropping elbows onto Kelly's gut. We're now on the "Beth dominates" portion of the match. Estimated arrival time of reversal is a minute and a half. Kelly goes for an inside cradle but only gets a 2-count. Beth's just too big for a small package (that was not meant to be innuendo but it sure as hell sounds like it). Beth misses an attack on the ropes, leading to Kelly getting back in the swing of things. Kelly climbs Beth and tries a pin, but Beth reverses. Kelly kicks out, tries another to no avail. Beth goes for the Glam Slam but Kelly reverses. Beth just slams her into the turnbuckles instead. Jesus, why do they have to scream so much all the time? That's so damn annoying. Kelly does her backflip elbow move, but that doesn't take care of Beth. Eve goes to interact with Natalya, but Natalya just slams her into the security rail. That was quite pointless. Beth puts Kelly in that submission move that they put her in on Smackdown. Natalya gets a mic and taunts Kelly. Kelly reaches the ropes. While the ref has his back turned, Natalya hits Kelly with the mic. Beth takes advantage, hits a Glam Slam, and wins.

WINNER (and new Divas champion): Beth Phoenix via pinfall.
Some flubs, but it wasn't that bad. It had more substance to it than your normal divas match, so that's a plus.

They run an add where Mark Henry channels his inner Jules Winfield and speaks a variation of the Ezekiel 25:17 quote from Pulp Fiction. Now now, WWE, don't start quoting movies. That's stealing. Not from the movies....from TNA. That's their gimmick. #JokerStingIsRetarded

WWE Championship [Hell in a Cell]: John Cena (c) vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. CM Punk
Del Rio keeps staying away from both men, who seem to be willing and ready to double team him. Crowd is pro-Punk tonight, anti-Cena, indifferent to Del Rio it seems. Cena and Punk keep attempting their finishers but failing. Del Rio's pretty much an afterthought in this match, there just to be a fall guy and to have some heel in it, more than being an equal party. CM Punk pulls out a table (much to the pleasure of the crowd). He hits his running knee to Cena's face, but Cena then tosses him into the cage (which Booker calls a chamber...wrong gimmick). Del Rio picks up the scraps and focuses on Cena. This awakens another "let's go Cena / Cena sucks" chant, as nobody can just agree to cheer Punk at the moment and call a truce. Chioda's counting 3 repeatedly and calling them kickouts. Those steroids made him count faster. (Note: the kickouts are Del Rio's fault, but I just wanted to get a joke in there about Chioda coming back from his Wellness Policy suspension, which wasn't even confirmed to be steroids. We now return you to your regularly scheduled ppv coverage.) Cena miraculously pops back into the match fully rested and taking the reigns of top dog in the match. Ricardo, outside the cell, is trying to use a towel (or is that Del Rio's scarf?) to fan him. Del Rio interrupts an attempted Attitude Adjustment by attacking both of them with a steel chair. Alberto puts Punk on top of Cena, then jumps on both of them from the top rope. Two-count on both men. Del Rio goes for the armbreaker on Punk, but Punk drops him to the outside where he hits the steps along the way. Cena hits the AA on Punk but Del Rio breaks the count. Cena blocks an armbreaker attempt, allowing Punk to jump on them, then hit the GTS on Cena. Del Rio pulls Punk off Cena to break the count. Cena goes for an inside cradle on Del Rio, but it fails. Punk hits an elbow from the top rope on Del Rio for a 2-count. Cena's back in, does his shoulder bumps, receives a kick in the head from Punk. Punk climbs the ropes but is knocked down and falls onto and through the table by Del Rio. Cena puts Del Rio in the STF. Ricardo has the key to the cell and gets inside, trying to hit Cena with a pipe. Cena gives him an AA out through the cell. Del Rio then puts Cena outside of the cell and locks the cell behind him with Cena outside. Del Rio German suplexes Punk for a two-count. Del Rio hits an enziguri but gets another 2. Punk's kicks put him back in play and Cena is finally checking the locked cage. Del Rio kicks out of Punk's sprinboard clothesline. Cena's trying to pull the cage door open. Del Rio hits Punk with the pipe and wins the title.

WINNER (and new WWE champion): Alberto Del Rio via pinfall.
Match of the night, but still kind of disappointing in my mind.

They raise the cell and Cena runs under it to attack Del Rio. Miz and Truth sneak in, dressed in hoodies and street clothes. They proceed to attack everyone, refs included. HHH and Laurinaitis run to the ring, but by the time they get to it, the cell's lowered. Security comes down, along with other WWE superstars, who surround the cell. They get in with some bolt cutters. Truth and Miz surrender. HHH attacks them. HHH pushes down Laurinaitis. He's then dragged away by security as well.